She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
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CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
i said to my wife, “hey brat summer is over, what kind of fall should I have?” she said “a fatal one”
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
oh to be lowered into a toaster with you, my bread slice wife
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
If you’re having a bad day I just want you to know I asked the paint guy at the counter for a gallon of “Menstrual Rose” when it was actually “Minstrel Rose” …so ya