She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
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4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
Husband: Want to go for a run?
Me: You know I don’t run.
Also me: *sees a food truck and takes off running*
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
me: [texting] hey sorry but my powerful enemy just said “seize him” to all his underlings
boss: what time can you be here
me: i dunno man they’re seizing me like right now
boss: we’re short staffed today
me: i’m getting seized
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly