She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
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I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.