Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.

I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.

And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.

Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence

You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?

I’m like that, but with salad.

Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.

I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college

Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet

My kids are smart but sometimes they say dumb stuff like, “Mom why do you always buy the candy pack with Snickers when you’re the only one who likes them?”

definitely did not do anything wrong

Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.

People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.

“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.

Elevators frighten me. I take steps to avoid them.

I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy

You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”

WHY would you be happy about this?

What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?

I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.

You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.

Body: time to fall asleep.

Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.

yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose

the greatest twitter interaction

Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”

Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you

If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.

Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.

Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me

me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.

On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.

unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit

If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:

– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito