She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
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All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
remember: when a band skips your city on tour it is always personal and they always hate you specifically
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
#dnd #ttrpg
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college