She said she wanted to eat at “the most expensive place in town” so here we are at the stadium concession stand.
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The dental hygienist told me I have nice gums today and giggled, then she told me she was happily married. So I don’t really know what to believe
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
Must have been so hard for our ancestors to find out which mushrooms were edible and which weren’t. “Sure, the brown one was delicious but the orange one killed Steve so idk about that stew, Jeremy“
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
Stop
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill