She said she wanted to eat at “the most expensive place in town” so here we are at the stadium concession stand.
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I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
I’m about to risk it all
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*