“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
You Might Also Like
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.