She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
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Man sits by me on train.
MAN: Loads of psychopaths around here
ME: Really?
MAN: Loads mate
ME: How’d you know?
MAN: There’s signs aren’t there?
ME: I guess?
MAN: I love them
(47 minutes of awkward silence.)
Man leaves train, he has a bike. I realise he was saying ‘cycle paths’.
no show does a misunderstanding/miscommunication plot better than modern family does 😭
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
I am such a fun person and so easy to get along with as long as the layout I have secretly imagined for the entire day goes exactly as I planned it without variation or interruption
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable