Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.

Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.

Them: Why are you single?

Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.

a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin

ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]

IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE

Headache Protip:

Bang your toe into something.

Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.

Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.

Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him

If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.

~dogs, apparently

To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.

I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*

*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day

Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.

[Road trip]

me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on

kids: it’s just a blank CD

me: SHHH

every movie should have a part where it flashes MEANWHILE ON SKULL ISLAND and they show us what king kong up to

I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp

Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age

Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.

This hospital has everything

[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo

cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder

isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange

A bold strategy

me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there

me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre

Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding

Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.

“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*

What?!?

As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.

*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT

This is Ethel. She is minding her own business. And her neighbor’s business. It’s called multitasking. 13/10

I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.