She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
You Might Also Like
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails