She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
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It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing