She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
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[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
i gave my friends who live close by a spare key in case i lose mine and they’ve just been using it to come over and play baldurs gate when im not home
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
Hahaha
I mean…it’s true!
#facts
#tattoo #tattoos #employability #funny #bananabeltbetty
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[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.