Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again

friend: so go back for seconds?

me: no probably longer than that

Nonwriters: How do you write a book?

Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again

Nonwriters: Then you’re done?

Writers: Then you start the next paragraph

it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat

It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.

I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said

Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.

My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.

trainer: how long can you plank?

me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh

[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road

Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)

I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)

13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.

Me: What were you doing earlier?

13: Resting so I could stay up late.

I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal

for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie

Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.

How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?

My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.

Bird: *flies into my office window*

Me: yeah, same.

I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up

Me: Go wake up your mother.

Son: No way man…no way.

Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.

Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?

So, I got banned from the toy store today…

I was in the first Top Gun movie.

I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.

I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.

this chia pet tastes awful

The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.

Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats

The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.

Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*

If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.