She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
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Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
in today’s fast-paced world we simply don’t have time for CEOs to be visited by three Christmas ghosts
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
Not all heroes wear capes…
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
Happy Febuary everyone!
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.