Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.

Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika

[shows her my bedroom]

And this is where the magic happens…

[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]

[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?

boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?

me: a little yes.

boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.

Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.

Me, representing myself in court:

First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!

I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.

YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???

My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…

Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”

kid: i need pencils for school

me: what kind

kid: number 2

[later at the store]

me: do you have any shit pencils

Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.

GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points

[first day as a pharmacist]

CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.

ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..

AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?

ME: No, I was happy with my first try.

God: Come see this.

Angel: What is it?

God: It’s the human lifespan.

Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!

God: Fun right? Watch this.

Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?

God: I call it, 35.

There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.

It’s called the Summer Olympics so one of the events should be running in flip flops to catch the ice cream man

I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.

american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere

Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?

Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.

Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?

Secret Panel HERE 🔪

don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???

kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)

I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.

[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted

My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.

I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.

I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.

*walking into store*

Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*

Marriage level: Expert