Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt

I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.

I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids

Dr: You have palpitations

Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?

Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA

Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]

my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….

me: *hits download*

Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy

cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?

me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday

touring apartments is so funny bc sometimes you know the answer is no as soon as the door opens and you gotta pretend like you kinda interested as you see the rest of the place omg

Him: I like your vest.

Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.

I hope this is the year Santa brings me a DNA testing kit so I can finally figure out which kid has been leaving all the glasses in the sink after I’ve cleaned the kitchen

Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner

Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.

Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.

[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane

[at the opera]

Date: this is going on forever

Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing

#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.

I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.

My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.

“I’d like to raise a toast.”

*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*

You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that

I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.

But no, she’s still alive.

Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.

Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*

Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.

Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.

*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*

Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.

Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.

[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??

Her: “What an ugly baby”

Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”

Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”

Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters