Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi

Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.

[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”

Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads

Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!

My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.

Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?

Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-

Them: Oh Jesus

Me: -the portable hat!

there is a guy i see every single time i’m at the gym. morning, night, midday, twice a days, i’m like this is outrageous. today, i’m here & there are two of them. they’re twins lmao it’s all adding up

I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.

I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.

There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.

I just ran a .003048K

My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.

I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.

boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen

My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.

Saint Peter: Name

M: David

SP: You’re in

M: Even after that night in Nogales?!

SP *winks*

*takes a step*

*trap door opens*

SP: Sucka!

Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast

Pet toad: WHAT

If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.

Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.

Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?

I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.

Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.

Walking around the neighborhood trying to figure out where Amazon delivered my package this time is the self-checkout of online ordering

They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.

If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing

*gets period*

“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”

He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.

god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem

Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”