She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
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Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
“It’s just down the street ” – me describing a location 47 miles away
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
Girls don’t want boys. Girls want the 12-foot skeleton from Home Depot.
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.