Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Growing up with a race car bed really prepared me for having to sleep in my 2004 Honda Accord

“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever

Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?

ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?

If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.

[gets pulled over for driving in the HOV lane alone] BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE
[cop walks up] what the heck

I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.

My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction

*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*

I have 2 kids?!

the secret to my success is everywhere i go i wear a shirt that says STAFF on the back

Going from summer clothes to winter clothes: Ok.

Going from winter clothes to summer clothes: I AM NOT READY.

When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.

I repeat, don’t do it.

Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.

My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.

Snots fired.

If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.

You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”

[at a wine tasting]

Me: *sips and swishes*

Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store

The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise

Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit

[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan

*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*

I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.

When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…

Y’know, to buy myself some time.

I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet

Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.

Ma’am…

(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)

Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.

Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.

When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.

After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable

🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶