Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”

“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”

“Oh rad bring it in”

2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene

Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?

Let’s see her walk backward.

Now diagonally.

Cha-cha real smooth.

[screaming into the void]

MARCO

Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali

My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?

“sandwich” please this thing cost me $18 it’s a “handheld”

Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise

I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.

If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.

Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.

Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song

I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.

person i just met reaches out for hand shake

me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people

RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on

Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?

Wife: get a babysitter.

Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.

I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.

If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.

MOM: finish your dinner

SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full

MOM: hi full, I’m mom

DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*

Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.

Corona : Got it.

Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot

HER: do you have a retirement plan?

ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB

I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff

DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?

NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good

Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea

My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.

omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME

i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry

My wife asked me, “How do I look?”

I said, “With your eyes.”

I almost lost mine.

King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah