Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!

*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*

Dogs can’t take cross-sectional X-rays and make three dimensional medical images.
Cats can.

Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”

If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.

If we all club together we could raise enough money to buy Monday and have it destroyed.

I feel like one of these would kill a European

Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.

Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”

I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream

Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.

Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”

Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?

[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*

I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing

I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.

I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.

Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.

Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten

“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast

“time flies” then why the hell is it still January bro

My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?

Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!

Cat: I just want to be friends.

Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t

Once on Rosh Hashanah when I was 14 or 15, I took a red potato & cut it perfectly to look like an apple slice, dipped it in honey & then gave it to my little sister. She has still not forgiven me or forgotten.

[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit

hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.

For the second year in a row, work colleagues have failed to get me a birthday present or card. So, for the next 12 months, I’ll continue to take £5 out of each of their birthday collections as their backdated present to me. Cheers guys.

Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?

Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.

I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.

I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.

i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.

🙉🙈🙊

*goes produce shopping*

Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.

*minds peas & queues*

Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.