She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
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Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
[On the phone]
Friend: I have news. Are you sitting down?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No.
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but don’t put your eye makeup on before you start chopping onions
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
Hey that’s my circus! *does double take* And my monkeys!!
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*