She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
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Each second of this is more amazing than the last
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will be complete
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
Mapping the Lickability of the Periodic Table
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.