Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”

WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!

She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.

Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.

My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner

Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.

Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro

Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL

The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.

Yes, I would take a bullet for you.

We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?

We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.

Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.

Never deleting this app.

i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work

Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.

TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*

Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.

I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.

My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”

[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.

I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.

[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.

If you’re depressed, start exercising.

You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.

Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.

*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*

“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”

If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.

*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*

ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace

Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor

Them: be yourself

Me: do you have any better advice

You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.

Billion dollar technology idea:

A printer that works