Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise

I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe

The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”

This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.

“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.

Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”

Welcome to adulthood.

Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.

Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*

~ Developers

Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]

Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG

My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.

me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough

him: sorry, but—

m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?

h: *sighs, pours*

m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please

h: now may I go back to giving communion?

Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.

The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.

My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.

I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.

I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed

My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time

Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?

Girl: Hehe sure baby

Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself

My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA

PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear

Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band

Her: N*SYNC?

Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator

If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.

took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name

Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.

When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1424868127859372032/pu/vid/720x1280/sVE9C2_csbolX2tP.mp4?tag=12

“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that

Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00

ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors