Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?

My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.

[Dinner party]

ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.

HOST: MY TURTLES!

I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.

Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.

Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.

Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.

I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.

I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores

*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*

gf: I wanna break up

*flops stomach out*

me: finally

I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.

The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them

Mission control: what’s happening up there??

Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem

What do you call a priest that graduated from law school

Father in Law

Kid: I’m starting to think you love your garden more than us.

Me: Wow. That’s. Just wow. I mean… *glances back at plants to make sure they’re not listening*

After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.

Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year

Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers

wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!

[Friday morning meeting]

Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*

Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.

Me: It’s Friday the 13th?

WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!

ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell

Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.

I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.

I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine

Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.

I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!

I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.

In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.

If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat

I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza

One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.

More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.

Pick one and get out of my face.