Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.

I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.

Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them

*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*

I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.

Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*

#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.

Customs officer: Occupation?

German: Nein, just visiting.

(Outside at dusk)

Wife: Lovely evening.

Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.

Dogdamnit, autocarrot.

me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”

Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?

Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.

i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok

This text is literally my relationship with my mother:

She asked to see where the magic happens, so I showed her my toasted sandwich maker

Meowchelangelo

{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.

My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.

I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.

“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes

Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.

[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows

My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.

The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.

When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.

The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.

I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.

I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.

Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.

me: i want your honest opinion

friend: [gives honest opinion]

me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]