Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.

Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.

My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,

“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”

[right before the quest for the holy grail]

king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?

Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound

*runs away*

A news story said Taylor Swift’s relationship to Travis Kelce was fake.

~me explaining to my boss why I need a personal day

Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.

Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.

~ my pants right now

I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.

Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths

Love this joke:

Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!

Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”

Me: “More like alie-outs.”

Alien Leader: “On second thought…”

*zaps me dead with lasers*

Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”

[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”

We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.

Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.

My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.

Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”

Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”

A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.

My maternal instincts have never been so confused.

If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend

beat teen pregnancy and with the current dating market it looks like i might beat adult pregnancy too

Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie

*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*

*hands you baby*

Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.

We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us

HULK WANT LOAN

Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.

GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*

Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.

“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit

One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed

Been escorted out of the building of Global IT for unplugging something so I could plug in my George Foreman grill

We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.