She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
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Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
DO NOT PRE-ORDER. wait for the reviews!!
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
My soulmate is probably out there, wondering if there’s life on earth
Fact: If you bind together the receipts of things you buy in an airport, it makes a tiny book that tells the tragic story of how you have no money anymore.
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
2022: I can fix it
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
I need to stop drinking so much. Did I say drinking. I meant thinking. I need to drink more.
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean