She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
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I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”