She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
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My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
These aliens are taking forever.
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
Ken is short for chicken
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
Her: “were you thinking about me?”
Me: “of course”
My brain: *I don’t think i’ve ever pronounced “croissant” the same way twice, in my life
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.