She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
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You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
In the past, people had to eat lawn clippings and drink boiling water separately. The invention of tea bags was a big time saver.
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.