Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[crunching sound] this is some good mineral water

ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*

Relationship Status:

My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.

A sip for you, a sip for me.

[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews

Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood

HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?

ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’

[sketchy parking lot]

stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?

me: maybe if i get a running start

I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.

My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.

My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.

“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date

Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.

Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo

Alfred: right away, Bruce-o

Don’t even get into my car if you’re just gonna scream every time I hit someone.

Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.

Me: Okay.

Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!

Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?

Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?

Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.

We squint at the sun because it’s bright.

We squint at people because they are not.

“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos

What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18

Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.

Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there

[engineer looking at blueprints]

“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”

If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart

I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.

if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me

Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”

My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.

I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.

Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.

Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?

I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.