She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
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Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.