Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cellmate: What are you in for?

Me: The free food and healthcare

Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.

~my new handbag

My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.

shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way

Everyone has something they believe in.

I believe in drinking before noon.

Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?

Yeah, me neither.

My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.

Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”

Me: “Say no more”

[Monday]

Boss: “Where’s my report?”

Me: “Shhh”

1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.

Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.

I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.

Boss: We need a name for our film studio

Me: Let him go first, he’ll copy my idea

1-up Karl: No I promise I won’t

Me: Ok my idea is 19th Century Fox

1-up Karl: *looks at camera*

“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”

I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry

Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”

Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”

Me: *Goes home*

Every time my phone rings

Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?

Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.

Me: I’ll take 1 pound of slommy please.

Deli clerk: Um, do you mean salami?

Me (unable to admit when I’m wrong): You call yourself an Italian deli, and you don’t have slommy? Ridiculous.

i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”

i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime

ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood

Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.

I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.

Starting all my work emails today with, “to whom it’s about to concern”.

How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?

Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information

Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.