Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.

People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.

My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives

Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did

*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*

SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER

My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.

-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it

*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village

*driving away from a heist*

guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping

Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.

Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next

Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”

6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”

*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*

8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”

Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.

I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.

Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.

As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.

*tries hard*

*fails*

*tries flaccid*

Me: I got a new blanket

My dogs:

Daughter: what does biography mean?

Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.

[later at movie night]

Wife: let’s watch Cars.

Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.

I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.

ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional

UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything

Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?

Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.

*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*

Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?

“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”

My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.

Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.

wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat

Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.

A Lunch Poem:

Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).

Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.

Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.