She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
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It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.