Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.

Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.

I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.

Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.

doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark

me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right

doctor: you no longer have legs

me: just like a shark

I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.

We never “welcomed” a baby into our family. We just kind of brought them home and tickled them every now and then.

Baby, it takes two to tango

But only one to tequila.

Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”

meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy

The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭

LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.

Watching Home Alone with my 8 year old twins.

One of them is cackling like a hyena every time a paint can smashes the face of the would be burglars.

The other is sitting with a concerned look on his face saying things like “well that doesn’t seem safe”

Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?

“My lawyer will have me out in an hour.”

People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.

cop: is this your chocolate factory?

wonka: why do you ask

cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor

wonka: that 8 year old owns it now

Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name

I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes

I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.

Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.

Husband: Why are you so grumpy?

Me: I’m not grumpy.

My face:

Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.

Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo

I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.

It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.

It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away

I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁

If you’re over 60, don’t shovel snow

[boarding a flight]

me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”

pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”

me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”

pilot (annoyed): “what?”

me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”