Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house

[first day working as a librarian]

ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh

HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying

I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.

[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger

If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”

TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in

ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?

joined a counterstrike game and no one was talking. second round i randomly meowed and a guy with the username “dog”, with a profile picture of a dog, called a vote kick and i was gone within 5 seconds. wtf lmao

The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that

“I just got engaged!”

— Starship Enterprise

Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.

[zombie wedding]

Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*

if my boxing knowledge is correct, now would be an ideal time to do an elaborate heist at the bellagio casino with a charming gang of rogues

9: Can I rent an otter?

Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now

Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.

Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.

when there are deer in the woods

*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy

“Awkward silences are the worst”

*Someone, inventing the kazoo… probably

At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration

peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup

When potatoes get eyes, do they start watching you? If so, we should call those ones spec-taters

[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]

Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.

I hate all this sex on the TV

I keep falling off.

[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere

AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”

GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!

ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]

[later]

GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?

[black jack]

DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged

What woman say right before they kill you:

Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.

I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.