“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
You Might Also Like
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.