“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
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Sex Tip: if a guy tells you you’re hot during sex, ask him to define his parameters for beauty because physical attraction is subjective
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
I want to run over my neighbor with my SUV. How can I do that without raising my insurance rates?
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!