@youcancallmesim

“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.

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@david8hughes

[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.

@bourgeoisalien

Sex Tip: if a guy tells you you’re hot during sex, ask him to define his parameters for beauty because physical attraction is subjective

@bea_ker

My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh

@AnkCoupleTO

[special ops briefing]

Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out

@LoveNLunchmeat

Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.

@Underchilde

Dear Abby,

I want to run over my neighbor with my SUV. How can I do that without raising my insurance rates?

@HandfulOfLewds

Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.

Darth Vader:

@_definitlymaybe

If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!