“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.

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“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.


Sex Tip: if a guy tells you you’re hot during sex, ask him to define his parameters for beauty because physical attraction is subjective


My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh


[special ops briefing]

Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out


Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.


Dear Abby,

I want to run over my neighbor with my SUV. How can I do that without raising my insurance rates?


Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.

Darth Vader:


If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!