@youcancallmesim

“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.

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@meganamram

I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”

@ericsshadow

1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon

@therepoguy

I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.

@WilliamAder

Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.

@ItsAndyRyan

Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days

@Manglewood

I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.

@MissNaughty1801

I find it inconsiderate that policemen always ask if I had been drinking but they never bother to ask if I had anything to eat at all

@SpenceDen

Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”