She sent me a text saying she wearing something special for me…
but every time I ask her what, she says ~ Nothing.

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Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts

But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.


A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it


You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.


My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.

No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.


Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.


Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.


My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉


I wonder if caterpillars know they’re gonna fly some day or they just start building a cocoon and are like ‘why am I doing this’.


If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.