Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.

It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display

Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?

Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.

With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival

No one comes over anymore :/

“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?

Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.

A hammock is a terrible place to give or receive bad news.

*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?

me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am

girl: i asked for water

me: patience, Linda

My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.

Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.

I CALL BULLSHIT

Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:

Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!

Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.

I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.

Animal: Touch me and I will kill you with systematic attention to detail designed to inflict the absolute maximum amount of suffering your mind can comprehend

Me: That tail tho

Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …

*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now

6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”

Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”

6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”

Me: “Wait, what?”

15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.

[in bed]

me: was that thunder?

wife: i didn’t hear anything

dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”

I love when moms are like let’s go in the playroom. Girl the playroom is my whole damn house.

I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight

“Eat me,” said the noun

“Say what?” said the verb.

“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.

“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.

Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.

spider: I need 4 pairs of pants

assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress

spider: I’ll give it a try

[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantastic

assistant: very attractive, sir

Following my previous tweet, I would like to clarify that I am not running for mayor. I meant to say that I was running from the mayor but mistyped because I was running at the time.

Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime

Me flirting: So do you like bread

Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.

The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza