Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me

We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.

“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.

Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.

I took my dog for a walk last night and forgot something at home: the dog. I forgot the dog. Menopause is fun.

I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight

[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s

I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?

model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”

me:

model UN: also you can only be countries that exist

me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN

I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…

*Calling from the bakery

Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”

Her: “Surprise me!”

Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”

Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe

I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.

I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads

One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?

[Entomologist Meeting]

Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?

Guy who named the fly: A crawl?

G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd

*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*

Is this a date? It feels like a date.

Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance

Maybe she’s losing it.

Maybe it’s quarantine.

Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape

I love when you stroke my ego.

My ego is inside my panties.

Breakfast: Banana Bread

Lunch: Orange Creamsicle

Dinner: Carrot Cake

Vegetarianism is hard.

therapist: whats the problem?

me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.

therapist: sounds like you’re bananas

Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.

girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days

Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.

Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.

Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.

My kids: ROAD TRIP!

My kids, ten minutes later: