Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths

Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”

Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.

If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.

I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..

…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:

“This isn’t for me.”

this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*

Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.

me: it’s our third date, you know what this means

him: *confidently* I think I do

me: *saves his number in my contacts*

Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.

I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.

Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.

my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote

Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.

hackers play passwordle

my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine

*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*

boss: i never got ur email

me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now

[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”

Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.

[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls

COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?

ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.

The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.

Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake

[job interview]

“Tell me about yourself”

*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*

I’m a risk taker

Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.

NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!

DR DOG: You’re joking, right?

I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.

[wine class]

Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?

ME: wine

Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?

ME: nope, still wine

Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.

Me: Did you use my highlighter?

2-year-old:

Me:

2:

Me:

2: No.

Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.