She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
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If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
so much to do
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED