Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.

Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,

You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos

Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man

“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too

ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like

“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit

if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS

[restaurant]

waiter: how would you like your steak

me: i don’t know, medium?

medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot

the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk

why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening

im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*

FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!

Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?

*first day as mall Santa

“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”

3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”

1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up

I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.

I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”

I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.

Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here

$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.

JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food

ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”

if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong

When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.

If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!

*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”

how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”

Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32

Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.

He seems to be following some sort of pattern.

How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?

everyone’s a critic