Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you

Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.

Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you

All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…

Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.

Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…

But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.

watching gymnastics

Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.

Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!

David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please

[looking through photos of the kids]

Me: Best thing we’ve ever done

Wife: Having children?

Me: No, buying a camera

My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.

Son:

Me:

Son:

Me:

Son:

Me:

Son:

Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now

When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.

God saw you do that.

Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.

Sharks 🦈 waiting on there food delivery 😂

I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.

Tomorrow is open Mike night.

Me: dance like no one’s watching!

Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!

I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!

Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?

Me: Earth 😐

her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes

Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter

a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO

Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.

the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens

Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain

The Sun: What’s his deal?

The Rain: Weird

The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know

Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.

I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.

That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.

Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.