Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.

I’d be a terrible masseuse. After 5 minutes, I’d be like, “Okay, my turn.”

Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.

I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore

MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.

Where is that goddamn asteroid already

There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.

United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.

I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.

Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.

Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”

Shark: *eats cop*

How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.

Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”

Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”

Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”

*wall breaks down*

Superman: “OMG really??”

Batman: “No.”

I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story

Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.

we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’

“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.

“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”

*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*

[date]

Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…

*hands her paper*

Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.

I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.

Me: Night love.

11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?

MUM 😳

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.

Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”

Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.

I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving

4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!

Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!

Like I’d ever share my wine with her.

A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.

it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie

it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”