Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it

There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.

going from an agency to a company that cares about you is crazy because my boss said “please don’t apologize for having spinal surgery” and i was like “are you sure”

[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*

Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.

Everyone thinks they will be the first person in history to maintain their dignity while posting online.

how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????

[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps

On one hand, it’s terrible to not have access to the Internet, but on the other hand, it’s terrible to have access to the Internet.

FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,

mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights

also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼

[lights go out]

best buy employee: can i help you find anything

me: uh i’m good

best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin

me: how’d you get in my house colin

When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.

If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering

I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?

‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥

Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.

Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?

When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock

“Son, you suck.”

-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics

My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.

Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild

The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”

[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”

Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!

Me: hmmm

Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life

Me: 🤔

Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die

Me: ya ya that’s the one

COMPUTER: Enter your password

ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]

COMPUTER: Your password is too weak

ME: [high fives computer]

I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.

My brother just sent me an angry text.

I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”

Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.

My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with