Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby

It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.

Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.

Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.

*goat walks into a bar

*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats it

goat: Hit me again.

My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.

[playing the game of life]

instructions: the player with the most money wins

me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic

Today I quit drinking wine for good.

Now I only drink for evil.

*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say

My birthstone is kidney

Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.

I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.

That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…

Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.

You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.

A door was tried in court.

It was an open and shut case.

Guys it is ofc possible that I have misunderstood but I have just been told that the hotel I’m staying at for work offers ‘free 24 hour cheese’

Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round

If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.

How to make it rain:

-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”

Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee

I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.

Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.

[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog

Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.

[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here

Friend: What do your kids like to eat?

Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.

WAITER: room for dessert?

ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here

[On the couch watching TV]

Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?

Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car