She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
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i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
If Windows Updates was a person, it would be that one neighbour who won’t stop talking to you at the most inconvenient of times.
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information