She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
You Might Also Like
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
It’s Dublin.
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked