Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

her: there’s a spider in the bath

me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel

Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.

A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”

Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction

Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way

my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord

My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people

The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.

No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble

pro parenting tip: reach your weekly fitness goals by giving your Fitbit to your 9yo for an hour.

interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k

me: *gets up* ok see you then

Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.

I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast

Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?

Leave this on his windshield.

[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now

A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.

Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”

My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.

I have 12 days until I have to change my password at work and can’tuse any of the last 15 passwords I have used, long story short, I’m going to need a new job.

Me: Is the red one cherry or strawberry?

Morpheus: That honestly should not matter right now

I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.

*moves all unread emails to trash

Omg I got so much done today.

[art store]

You do free framing?

“With any purchase”

Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do

A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster

My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.

13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.

Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.

13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”

Do I fail parenting now?

there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies

there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind

Livid.

I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.