She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
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I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
I’ve been following a really strict diet for several months now and lately I’m having these nightmares where I wake up and I’m surrounded by a ton of junk food wrappers that I ate in the night. It’s pretty hilarious.
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
The rainbow lorikeets outside my office explained that purchasing fancy new binoculars today to see birds better was probably unnecessary.
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
Used makeup concealer on a zit with an artistic precision that would rival da Vinci.
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket