She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
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3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
I can turn wine into water about two hours after drinking it
Checkmate Jesus.
Me: this would be better without the raisins in it
Them: they’re chocolate covered raisins
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
my favorite kind of post right now is the reply that goes “i do not believe that a politician, of all people, would say one thing publicly and another thing privately”
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.