She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
You Might Also Like
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
Stockholm Syndrome is a myth, I can confirm after polling all the ungrateful b*****ds I have locked in my basement.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
Well, shit
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
“How’s your day going?”
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
Monday
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol