Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.

BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day

ME: Thanks boss!

BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon

My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.

My dress code is business-casualty.

Jesus loves me. This I know.

For my neighbor told me so.

Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.

I’m flattered…but straight.

“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.

Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh

My boss thought these were “little pumpkin somethings” and bit into one.

i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy

If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.

My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️

Notice Dave Grohl is trending…..quickly check to make sure he’s not dead……then realize his wife will take care of that part

ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]

Blind Date

Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.

Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?

[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.

[Waking up]

Me to me: I see my assassin failed.

“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead

Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?

My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!

If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.

there are only 2 kinds of mayors: the kind you hate for ruining your city and your job and your life. and dogs

Me: *pulls a glass push door*

Wife:

Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*

Wife:

Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door

Wife: *nods* weird door

*running from the police and turning into an alley*

HER: Kiss me

HIM: What?

HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me

*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*

POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!

“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable

Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*

Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!

Very funny Mom!

They should have a section on the wing of the plane where people can go out for a cigarette

I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.

2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.

Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet