She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
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If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
Sometimes you send an email that requires a response, and the other person writes back right away, and it’s like NO NOT YET.
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
Just yelled “LET’S DO THIS” when getting into my car, so my neighbors think I am doing something way cooler than my weekly Target run.
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently