Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So can we start calling them Traylor now?

A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold

Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents

If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?

Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion

I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car

If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.

Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.

I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.

Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.

Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆

Just tried a “sorry this is my first day” to a customer’s question and he was like I saw you here two weeks ago!

@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fine

Scorpion: Give me a hug

Sub-Zero: Umm no..

Scorpion: GET OVER HERE

Waiter: would you like a lobster bib

Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously

I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.

‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.

But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.

Stay woke, friends.

a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck

My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.

Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists

Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”

Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive

Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals

I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.

What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?

I know which nation I like the best.
HIBERNATION.
Thank yewww.

Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me

My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.

His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”

*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.

Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.