Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.

new workout goal is to have a body where after I commit a crime, the media posts my shirtless pics and everyone’s like WOW

Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.

Kung fu movie idea:

She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.

When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of

KUNG FU CAT LADY

I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.

Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery

I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.

I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’

My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.

There’s a couple that met at my wedding 2 years ago, I just found out they got married yesterday & I wasn’t invited…. Ungrateful people

I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).

I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.

Me [being murdered in my home]:

“Can you take your shoes off?”

I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.

I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.

-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop

If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.

There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.

There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.

who wants to go expliring

My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.

People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?

I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.

when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however

Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh

Friend at work gave me some edibles. So I’m taking the train instead of driving.

My coworker just told me this funny joke.

A web developer and an SEO expert walk into a bar, bars, nightclub, pubs, tavern, beer, alcohol, drinks, alcoholic beverages, bars in my area, places to drink.

Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing

That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material

I feel the need, the need for tweed.

– Professors at Top Gun