She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
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Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.