She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
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Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
I reached for the kitchen scissors and they weren’t there so someone is very very lucky this cheese opened on the tear line like it’s supposed to.
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
*cancelling plans* ugh sorry i’d love to come but im actually uhhhh in the running for vice president
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook