she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
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Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
My eggs wouldn’t ring up at the store and the cashier (an older Black man) said “it’s your lucky day!” And put them in my bag for free because “I ain’t calling that manager over here cuz I don’t like him. I’m old enough to be his father and I ain’t going back and forth with him”
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
Breaking news:
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.