she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
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When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
diva inflation rises at an alarming rate
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
“So here’s a bit ab how the interview process will work:
1. initial phone screening
2. in-person interview
3. American Ninja Warrior course
4. fight to the deathIf you have any questions ab this or the low-paying, entry-level job opportunity, pls don’t hesitate to ask 🤗.”
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
😂😂😂😂😂😂
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin