she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
You Might Also Like
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
That chalk outline really brings out your dead eyes
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
tfw you realize …
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?