she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
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#NoRestForTheWicked
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
asking santa clause for nudes
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.