Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Woah woah hey woah”

[me attempting to breakup a fight]

[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.

Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.

Trampoline: Hold my beer.

80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.

I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.

[Me, a famous art thief]

Art Garfunkel: Please put me down

My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.

I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…

Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!

Firefighter:

Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets

Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.

Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”

You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?

Axl Rose: Where do we go?

Me: Left

Axl: Where do we go now?

Me: Straight.

Axl: Oh, where do we go now?

Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!

[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]

Board: B A L L

Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!

Board: T R E A T S

Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…

I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty

If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul

[first date]

me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes

one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar

I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it

Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.

Mom: why do you drink so much

Me: *stares at mom*

Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets

Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.

Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.

Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?

Headlines With Threatening Auras.

A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.

My maternal instincts have never been so confused.

OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!

ME: Thanks I could really use the help