She walked in & she had legs, legs that went on for days. Who knows where they went? They just kept wenting.

– Why my mystery novel failed

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boss: hi

me: *pretends to read an email*

boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”


Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they



SON: Can you leave the light on?

ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?

SON: What?

ME: What?


Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.


Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.


5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars

Me: That’d wreck the economy

5: I just-

Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation


A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”


Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to


One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.