She wanted me to impress her in the bedroom so I showed her my organised sock drawer and my fresh matching bedding
You Might Also Like
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
Why do people always assume it’s a compliment when I tell them their baby looks just like them . . .
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.