She wanted me to impress her in the bedroom so I showed her my organised sock drawer and my fresh matching bedding
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Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
coworker: you are so lucky that you don’t have kids
me: that’s not luck that’s on purpose
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
My husband just walked in the bedroom and said “love of my life look alike contest… you already won” lmfao
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it