She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
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“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
One of those leashes parents use for kids but it’s to make sure my friend doesn’t leave me alone at a party
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
Geez man, take it easy.
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
I want this so bad
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
i hate it when my pillow is not pillowing like it should. you have one job. be a pillow man. you are pillow. act like one ffs
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
And we’re off! To an unreasonable start
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
Go girl power!
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?