She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
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Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
man found with dozens of heads in his trunk during routine traffic stop
road rage
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
r/relationship_advice
Recently my gf has been saying that I look “tender” and “scrumptious”. the other day I caught her googling “cauldron big enough to fit person”
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
I make one little mistake and now my pharmacist adds, “by mouth” to all my prescriptions labels
how I feel after a shower
versus how I look after a shower
Introducing ManBat
A bat who fell into man cave and now fights crime with human like skill (anxiety and a constant pain in his lower back)
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.