She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
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There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
Liquor Store Parking
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
LOL!
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
However I die, I want my tombstone to say “Unknown Local Man Found Eaten By Squirrels.”
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.