She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
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SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
“Does this look infected?”
*points to the entire world*
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
We gave my child a wallet with a single dollar bill to play with. She now has three dollars. I don’t know where the other two came from. Help.
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
Tell the colonel to bring it
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
WORST THINGS ABOUT NOT BEING A DENTIST
4. Nobody asks me for my opinion about teeth
3. No idea where to buy a denist’s chair if I ever need one
2. Am not treated as an equal in the dentist community
1. Constantly being overlooked for the prestigious Dentist of the Year Award
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.